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The hugs and the kisses and knowing that person will always be there to listen and talk and give all they can. I guess as humans we all want the feeling of being needed and wanted. Having someone there to be with and cuddle with. Holding and feeling whole, not empty, but like things are glued in place. Growing together and not being afraid to give your all and show who you are. Yeahh, it’s called “Taking A Risk”-“Putting Yourself Out There And Hoping For The Best”. Two people feeling like one person without being rushed into it. Falling into one another and when you’re in a relationship and it’s good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete. Today i just felt like i missed that, the feeling wanted, but i know deep in my heart that when the time comes and someone that is going to be true to me shows up, I’ll put myself out there and hope for the best. Who knows, maybe true genuine love doesn’t exist and we’re all just kidding ourselves and pretending to fall for something that isn’t real.
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She won’t understand, how can she be so cold about it? how can i be so blunt and try and let her in my life? i told her how it was and she told me it will never be her fault, could she at least take some responsibility? I can’t do this anymore, i can’t be near her. I give her all i can, I try to open up and she blames it all on My dad, Ughh i don’t know. I’m over it. I could care less. Take her away, take her and it all away. Push me, yes, push me all the way while your at it. She does it regardless… Can i be a shooting star? Rules, yes there is certain rules in life that we as people have to follow. I understand that, but why? yes why? why is she going to ban me from the world outside of church. They are almost the same in a way. It’s my decision who i keep in my life and who i keep out. “I’ve been down Elm street plenty of times!” I would expect myself to know better. I feel so incompetent without a job, if i had one, I could at least get me something useful in my life… Ahhh i feel like the picture right at this moment. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around things that seem to happen at this point in my life. Things do not seem to connect and i guess that’s why I feel really stressed.
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This is the song that goes to the story i wrote, Hope you like the story :D
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Yesterday: I felt like i actually for once belonged home, not because my mom talked to me, cuz she didn’t but it was more of a “I dont want to go anywhere feeling.” I like the felling of when i get the flu, well yesterday felt like that, Like it was meant to be. Staring out my window made me remember all the good times i’ve actually had at this house:) I felt free, It’s hard to explain. I felt like everyone cared and I didnt actually have to get out of my house to be around someone. My friends were calling me and I actually talked through the phone for once. It felt good like it use to when I didnt have a car:D
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Uhh soo it was raining today and all i could think about while it was raining was holding someone and kissing them in the rain, It was pretty sad and pathetic. I couldnt get through the day cuz that’s what was on my mind. Ughh I HATE IT!!! Ohhkkaayy i know this will only be for a little while longer and soon I’ll have to get over it. God please make it happen real soon! Please! I know i can do it<3 lol
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Broken heart broken memories? I don’t want this and every time i experience a breakup I feel like i can’t get up… It kills me inside. He pulls away and i have to pull away, it can make us or break us. Separate directions lead us to try to forget and soon enough we somewhat do. Its not fair, but it happens. I have to wait, soon enough I’ll find the guy i belong with and he will truly love me for who i am and make me happy and live up to my high standards and not only stop there but shoot for more. Nothing will break us apart:)
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“Would you eat rotten raw meat?” I know i don’t want to. The C.O at our meeting asked that question today. I started crying cuz his metaphor was for this world we’re living in and taking a bite out of the Rotten meat is like going out and exploring the world. The world is nasty and contaminated and honestly, I’ve been out in the world and i know how it’s like. I NO LONGER WANT TO BE A PART OF IT. I was all alone and it all drove me to getting hurt. I’ve been through a lot and i know there is nothing out there. People claim to be good and innocent and their just lying backstabbing bitches that f* with you. They will do anything and hurt anyone to get what they want. I can sit and type about this all night long, but when i finish the choice is going to be mine. I’m going to decide. DO I REALLY WANT TO EAT AND/OR HANG OUT WITH THAT ROTTEN RAW MEAT EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE?
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You know that the memories and the heartache and everything you went through was worth it, because you still talk to him and you care about him, because you will always love him, He will always be a part of you, because he HAS a part of me. He was my first and i gave everything up to him. He’s still the same douche bag jerk, but now he appreciates me because he lost me, I know for a fact he will never forget. He knows he can’t ever have me back. I see him time to time and he holds me and kisses me like he’ll never see me again and it takes me way back. The sun shines and represents that he still loves me after all these years. but… I know what he doesnt… When night creeps up, it’ll mean i’m leaving… I know the sun will come up again tho, it always does, right?
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I feel soo happy, yet soo sad, I dont know how things might work out for me, but i hope they end up really good, maybe it’s all just for the best. My Mommy wants to get a divorce and i guess this picture represents how my life seems all colorful but at the same time so dark with a twist of a dead end sort of thing. I dont want to think about it:(
